Praising in the Storm

Since March of 2018, our life, mine & my husband's, has been nothing short of eventful and emotional. We have experienced quite a bit in just a little less than a year, and we have grown a lot. We've had to adjust to the toughest side of adulthood and parenting all at once, and I feel so guilty.

I feel guilty because I'm the one who first mentioned marriage to Chris while we were dating. Then, I was the one who constantly dreamed about becoming a parent. Now here we are, almost a year later, and I'm up blogging while my 4 month old daughter is getting her second round of chemotherapy, and its my fault. (Okay, i know that it really isn't, but the "mom guilt" is real here and I feel the Lord wants me to share my testimony to this subject.)

"What if I had just waited one more month?" "What if I had been less stressed during the first few weeks?" (After all, I did end up in the ER with a resting HR of 200, just one week before the positive result). Now this next thought is really out there, but in my exhausted, emotionally drained, female mom brain, it makes sense.... "Skylar's tumor is a germ cell tumor. These are most commonly found in the ovaries, liver, lungs, neck, and brain. What if my ovaries had the cells of her tumor and it was passed onto her through me? What if I gave her the tumor?!"

I keep asking myself why I keep trying to blame myself, and I finally concluded that it's because I don't want to admit that my loving, perfect Savior would allow such a horrendous thing to happen to my innocent daughter. I don't want to believe that the same God who saved my soul from Hell, would allow this sickness to infect my daughter the way it has. I don't want to think that God, the ultimate healer, would let my Skylar be born with this massive teratoma that has caused her issue after issue.

......Or do I just want to claim exemption? Ouch........

"I'm a Christian God. I believe in You, in Your Son, in what You will do and what You have done! I. DON'T. DESERVE. THIS."

Neither did God. God didn't deserve for HIS only Son to be SACRIFICED for MY selfish person. Jesus sure didn't deserve it. He was just born, and then He went around physically performing miracles, and yet He died, for my selfishness.

As Christians, we often times believe that our "title" means exemption, but it doesn't. The truth is that NO ONE is exempt from the things we face in this world. If anything, aren't we more equipped to handle these types of situations? After all, we have a victorious Lord fighting the battle with us. FOR us.

God didn't call us to all live "happy & easy" lives. Its pretty easy to praise Him when you everything to praise Him for. Its pretty tought to praise Him when you struggle to find things to be thankful for. It's easy to say, "Thank you, God, for my riches." Its pretty hard to say, "Thank you, God, for my struggle to make ends meet," and mean it. Its easy to say, "Thank you, God, for this tiny miracle You have so graciously blessed to me!" Its hard to say, "Thank you, God, for allowing my child to be born sick," and MEAN it. But that is what we are expected to do. We are expected to praise Him in the highs, the lows, and everywhere in between. When its easy to see Him, and when its hard for Him to be seen.

So, dear friend, praise Him wherever you are. In James, we are told to consider our trials pure joy. Yes you read that right.... "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance" (James 1:2-3 NIV). So praise God in the storm. Don't just ask Him for help - I'm very guilty of this, but praise His name. Thank Him for all He's done for you. Reflect on the trials He's already seen you through, no matter how small. To praise is to speak highly of, and friend its hard to be angry at someone you speak highly of. I am the first to tell you that it is okay to sulk and be angry at God, but its not okay to stay there. God understands our frustrations, and He loves us regardless. So yell at Him and be angry at Him because He can take it. BUT then, THANK Him.

I am learning a lot through this process, but one of the most valuable lessons that I am still learning, is that in ALL things, we are to give thanks and praise. I have never been more emotionally unstable in my entire life, nor have I ever been this close to Christ.

"Thank you, God, for blessing me with a family who loves me. Friends that support me. A husband who loves me. Thank you, God, for Skylar. Thank you, God, for the medical teams that you have put in our path to take care of Skylar. Thank you, God, for the amazing people I have met along this journey. God, You are so loving, so forgiving. You are a perfect Savior. You are just and righteous. You love me, even when, ESPECIALLY when I can't love myself. Lord, You provide for the birds, so how could I think that You would do anything less for me? Lord, forgive my doubts, and calm my fears. In Your precious name I ask. Amen."