Trusting When You Cant See

You know those moments late in the middle of the night, or really early morning, around 2 or 3 am, when you are wide awake yet so tired, but your brain won't let you sleep? You're worrying about finances, test results, anticipating a doctor's appointment, questioning your life choices even...basically all of the things that maybe you really can't control at that moment, are the exact things that keep you wide awake. So why is that we worry about things that we KNOW we have no control over? If you are like me, then you are worrying BECAUSE you can't control it. You know that no matter how much you try, the ball is simply not in your court. So, that leads to us to doubt the One who DOES control everything...

"Dear Lord, please let Your will be done in my life. I would like for it to include *this & that,* and I DO NOT want this current situation to be in Your will, so if you could just take it away now, thank you. Oh, but anything else I'm okay with. Thanks Lord, You're the best!"

......wait...... 

Okay, so maybe that example was exaggerated, but maybe it wasn't. I know I have legit prayed like that before. I'm shocked God didn't come down and smack me, good thing He's got a lot of patience! But on a serious note, I have honestly tried to tell God what to do. I know He's got my best interest at heart, but I'm still nervous to trust it. The most terrifying part of trusting, is trusting without seeing. Without knowing. I can't see what tomorrow holds. I don't know what the big picture looks like. All I know is this current issue is NOT what I prayed for. I absolutely did NOT pray for a daughter with all of the issues mine is currently facing. I did NOT ask to be tied financially because of it. I did not, I did NOT. I. DID. NOT. And He gave it to me anyways. WHY?! That is the most heartwrenching and most doubtful question we could ever ask God. "Why, Lord, WHY would You give me this situation? You should know I'm not strong enough for it. I'm young, I can't handle this. I am not responsible enough for this."

And He answers with, "I know you aren't. But I am. Dear child, I can see your tomorrow, I can see your ten years from now. I know this plan is best for you. I know this temporary pain won't last forever. Just trust Me. Let Me work. I've. Got. This." And friend, HE DOES HAVE THIS. I still have days, moments, many moments during many days, that I breakdown, I get overwhelmed, and I doubt. I question. But He answers me every time with, "I've got this."

Now you may be asking, " I KNOW He's got it, but what do I do about right now?" You pray. And when you're done praying, read your bible. And when you've done that, get in a routine. Make a habit out of those things. When you still doubt, pray harder. Vent to Him. He can take it. He understands how you feel so I promise your venting does not hurt His feelings. And then, when you've done all that, let Him pick you up, place you back on your feet, and you keep going. One day at a time. One of my favorite sayings that my dad taught me is, "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." And thats how you take life, one day at a time. Let God worry about tomorrow, you focus on today. You focus on the things that you can control, and let God handle the rest. We know He will work everything out for us, for His people, for His perfect purpose.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28 NIV

"Dear Lord, I thank you for entrusting this circumstance to me. I pray You would guide me through this journey so that I may not handle it alone. Lord I trust that You have my best interest in mind, and that this is all a part of Your perfect plan though I cannot see it yet. Amen"

Praising in the Storm

Since March of 2018, our life, mine & my husband's, has been nothing short of eventful and emotional. We have experienced quite a bit in just a little less than a year, and we have grown a lot. We've had to adjust to the toughest side of adulthood and parenting all at once, and I feel so guilty.

I feel guilty because I'm the one who first mentioned marriage to Chris while we were dating. Then, I was the one who constantly dreamed about becoming a parent. Now here we are, almost a year later, and I'm up blogging while my 4 month old daughter is getting her second round of chemotherapy, and its my fault. (Okay, i know that it really isn't, but the "mom guilt" is real here and I feel the Lord wants me to share my testimony to this subject.)

"What if I had just waited one more month?" "What if I had been less stressed during the first few weeks?" (After all, I did end up in the ER with a resting HR of 200, just one week before the positive result). Now this next thought is really out there, but in my exhausted, emotionally drained, female mom brain, it makes sense.... "Skylar's tumor is a germ cell tumor. These are most commonly found in the ovaries, liver, lungs, neck, and brain. What if my ovaries had the cells of her tumor and it was passed onto her through me? What if I gave her the tumor?!"

I keep asking myself why I keep trying to blame myself, and I finally concluded that it's because I don't want to admit that my loving, perfect Savior would allow such a horrendous thing to happen to my innocent daughter. I don't want to believe that the same God who saved my soul from Hell, would allow this sickness to infect my daughter the way it has. I don't want to think that God, the ultimate healer, would let my Skylar be born with this massive teratoma that has caused her issue after issue.

......Or do I just want to claim exemption? Ouch........

"I'm a Christian God. I believe in You, in Your Son, in what You will do and what You have done! I. DON'T. DESERVE. THIS."

Neither did God. God didn't deserve for HIS only Son to be SACRIFICED for MY selfish person. Jesus sure didn't deserve it. He was just born, and then He went around physically performing miracles, and yet He died, for my selfishness.

As Christians, we often times believe that our "title" means exemption, but it doesn't. The truth is that NO ONE is exempt from the things we face in this world. If anything, aren't we more equipped to handle these types of situations? After all, we have a victorious Lord fighting the battle with us. FOR us.

God didn't call us to all live "happy & easy" lives. Its pretty easy to praise Him when you everything to praise Him for. Its pretty tought to praise Him when you struggle to find things to be thankful for. It's easy to say, "Thank you, God, for my riches." Its pretty hard to say, "Thank you, God, for my struggle to make ends meet," and mean it. Its easy to say, "Thank you, God, for this tiny miracle You have so graciously blessed to me!" Its hard to say, "Thank you, God, for allowing my child to be born sick," and MEAN it. But that is what we are expected to do. We are expected to praise Him in the highs, the lows, and everywhere in between. When its easy to see Him, and when its hard for Him to be seen.

So, dear friend, praise Him wherever you are. In James, we are told to consider our trials pure joy. Yes you read that right.... "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance" (James 1:2-3 NIV). So praise God in the storm. Don't just ask Him for help - I'm very guilty of this, but praise His name. Thank Him for all He's done for you. Reflect on the trials He's already seen you through, no matter how small. To praise is to speak highly of, and friend its hard to be angry at someone you speak highly of. I am the first to tell you that it is okay to sulk and be angry at God, but its not okay to stay there. God understands our frustrations, and He loves us regardless. So yell at Him and be angry at Him because He can take it. BUT then, THANK Him.

I am learning a lot through this process, but one of the most valuable lessons that I am still learning, is that in ALL things, we are to give thanks and praise. I have never been more emotionally unstable in my entire life, nor have I ever been this close to Christ.

"Thank you, God, for blessing me with a family who loves me. Friends that support me. A husband who loves me. Thank you, God, for Skylar. Thank you, God, for the medical teams that you have put in our path to take care of Skylar. Thank you, God, for the amazing people I have met along this journey. God, You are so loving, so forgiving. You are a perfect Savior. You are just and righteous. You love me, even when, ESPECIALLY when I can't love myself. Lord, You provide for the birds, so how could I think that You would do anything less for me? Lord, forgive my doubts, and calm my fears. In Your precious name I ask. Amen."